
I’m going to be very honest with you all. Over the summer, I opened up about my break up and discussed forgiveness. But, what I failed to mention was that forgiveness does not take two seconds and then your life is all better. I thought that’s what the case was going to be, but it was not.
I was still hurt.
After that blog, things were okay, I was friends with my ex and it was working. Then, I began to have terrible dreams that would taunt me, and make me feel so insecure. While I don’t pay much attention to my dreams, they were making me angry. I began to resent him. I was reminded of how much hurt he caused, and I did not want to be friends anymore. While this was never explicitly said, my behavior was representative of that.
What happened?
Yes, I wanted to be friends. I knew I had forgiven him, because us not being together was beyond us. But, I was avoiding the real issue—the void in my heart that I felt he could fill. Even before a relationship, he was my best friend. He played a very important part in my life, and since that all changed, I was left with this empty void. I didn’t know how to fill. I was so confused, and wondered how is that God is working in every area of my life except this one? Not realizing that those areas were truly submitted to Him, but this area was not. This void was so far from God that I didn’t even know how to let Him in.
I became a hot mess.
There were good days, bad days, and days when I just wanted to stay in bed. I would get upset because I would see my ex on social media, and he would look so happy and moved on, while I was sitting my bed crying my eyes out over the loss of our friendship and relationship. My heart was truly broken. We didn’t really talk much, but we still kept in contact, we even met up, and things were fine. Then, I had a bad day. This day was hard. I was so confused, and wondered where everything went wrong. In trying to make sense of everything, I recorded a voice message and sent it to him. This message consisted of a lot of things I can’t even remember, but I know I cried and prayed for him. I woke up the next morning feeling so embarrassed. It was then that I realized I couldn’t do this. Yes, I forgive and acknowledge we were not right for each other, but that was not all that I needed to do.
I had to fill that void with Jesus.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18
I forgave, and believed in my heart that that was all I needed to do to get better. Nope. There was more that needed to be done. I really had to seek God. I had to come off of social media, and begin to focus on the things God needed me to. I had to allow God to be close to my broken heart. He is near to those who are crushed in spirit— He wanted to be close to me. I had to give Him access to this part of my heart that was closed off and use to be filled by my “best friend”, a void I didn’t even know was so closed off from God.
My ex did nothing wrong. In fact, he was very kind and understanding after everything. However, I had to understand that nothing he said or did was going to make me feel better. Being his friend was not going to make me feel better. Yes, I forgive him, and I felt better when I did, but that was just the start, God needed me to draw closer to Him.
After the night I sent that voice message, I realized that there is NOTHING that anybody can say or do to make me feel better. God desires my time, and my whole heart. He wants to fill every void, and have every single part of my life. I failed to realize that a few months ago, even a few days ago. I realized I am still hurting, more than I expected to. Many told me only time will heal, but in all actuality, regardless if twenty years pass, if I don’t allow God into this void and to heal my pain, I will never stop hurting.
I’m trying.
I feel like this has been such a back and forth process. I have been seeking out everyone and everything that I thought would make me feel better, but nothing worked. Part of that was because I made up in my mind what I wanted to do and hear. I was tired of apologizing for my repetitive conversations about this, and I was beginning to feel like no one understood, or cared. None of this was true, but it was really how I felt. Im learning that I just need to trust in God.
I share this because, I wanted to let you know that Forgiveness isn’t the whole antidote to getting through. Yes, you must forgive, but you must also draw closer to God so that He can truly heal. “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
I am learning to trust and seek God on my bad days, good days, and days I don’t want to get out of bed. As we go through this journey together, pray for me, as I pray for you all!
Be His Masterpiece.
Love Y’all,
Dee


While driving on my way to work, I had a few thoughts. Usually, I dread the 15 minute car ride, however, I was at peace because it was raining. I don’t know what it is, but there is such a calm feeling I have when it’s raining. I wondered, why do people absolute dread rainy days? What about them are so bad? Rain can ruin outdoor plans, make your well put together outfit wet and ruined, it can make you uncomfortable, and worst of all, it can ruin your hair, right? The list can go on, but then I realized, that the reason most people probably hate the rain is because its not perfect, or it doesn’t help create a perfect scene.
One night during my junior year, I was sitting on the floor in my dorm room. I was thinking about my life goals, and future career. At the time, I wanted to go to medical school and be a Pediatrician. However, I was really praying and seeking God, and He was beginning to show me things about myself. I began to realize that ministry was going to be a big part of my life. Of course as a Christian, ministry is a big part of our life, but He was showing me how. That night, I can’t even explain the feeling I had, but it was uneasy. I realized that not only did I not want to go to medical school anymore, but that lifestyle was not going to match up with what God was showing me. I began to get scared. However, I trusted God.
Growing up, my mother always taught me that when you forgive someone, there shouldn’t be a ‘but’ after it. For example: “I forgive that person, but I will never talk to them again.” I never understood what was wrong with the “but,” however; I recently began to understand why. What my mother was getting at was the use of “but” after saying you forgive, often times shows that there is still a form of animosity, or ill feeling towards the person. Once you forgive, you forgive. There shouldn’t be a clause that you have to outwardly say, because deep down it can mean you truly have not forgiven. Don’t get me wrong, true forgiveness can occur with you maybe having to separate yourself from someone or something or whatever the situation may be, and that can be due to mental, physical, and most importantly spiritual well-being. Always be led by the Holy Spirit.
Am I the only one that is scared to watch the news or read the paper? My fear comes from the sadness and pain the media can give. However, I know it is important, because there is a lot going on, and we need to be informed. There is social injustice, racial discrimination, political confusion, and things that I don’t even know how to classify. It is overwhelming. As a black woman, it’s scary to see and read about black lives that were taken as a result of racial discrimination. It’s sad to see on the news that people are killed because of their gender and religion. The response to each of these situations is usually very strong and all over social media. But what would get me scared is when I am asked about my opinion, or when discussions come up. I would often stay quiet or just sit back and listen because I didn’t want to be judged by what I had to say, or I didn’t want to sound like I didn’t know what I was talking about because I wasn’t well informed on the topic. But, I do have opinions, and I do have things I want to say.