A Friend in Jesus

I’m going to be very honest with you all. Over the summer, I opened up about my break up and discussed forgiveness. But, what I failed to mention was that forgiveness does not take two seconds and then your life is all better. I thought that’s what the case was going to be, but it was not.

I was still hurt.

After that blog, things were okay, I was friends with my ex and it was working. Then, I began to have terrible dreams that would taunt me, and make me feel so insecure. While I don’t pay much attention to my dreams, they were making me angry. I began to resent him. I was reminded of how much hurt he caused, and I did not want to be friends anymore. While this was never explicitly said, my behavior was representative of that.

What happened?

Yes, I wanted to be friends. I knew I had forgiven him, because us not being together was beyond us. But, I was avoiding the real issue—the void in my heart that I felt he could fill. Even before a relationship, he was my best friend. He played a very important part in my life, and since that all changed, I was left with this empty void. I didn’t know how to fill. I was so confused, and wondered how is that God is working in every area of my life except this one? Not realizing that those areas were truly submitted to Him, but this area was not. This void was so far from God that I didn’t even know how to let Him in.

I became a hot mess.

There were good days, bad days, and days when I just wanted to stay in bed. I would get upset because I would see my ex on social media, and he would look so happy and moved on, while I was sitting my bed crying my eyes out over the loss of our friendship and relationship. My heart was truly broken. We didn’t really talk much, but we still kept in contact, we even met up, and things were fine. Then, I had a bad day. This day was hard. I was so confused, and wondered where everything went wrong. In trying to make sense of everything, I recorded a voice message and sent it to him. This message consisted of a lot of things I can’t even remember, but I know I cried and prayed for him. I woke up the next morning feeling so embarrassed. It was then that I realized I couldn’t do this. Yes, I forgive and acknowledge we were not right for each other, but that was not all that I needed to do.

I had to fill that void with Jesus.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18

I forgave, and believed in my heart that that was all I needed to do to get better. Nope. There was more that needed to be done. I really had to seek God. I had to come off of social media, and begin to focus on the things God needed me to. I had to allow God to be close to my broken heart. He is near to those who are crushed in spirit— He wanted to be close to me. I had to give Him access to this part of my heart that was closed off and use to be filled by my “best friend”, a void I didn’t even know was so closed off from God.

My ex did nothing wrong. In fact, he was very kind and understanding after everything. However, I had to understand that nothing he said or did was going to make me feel better. Being his friend was not going to make me feel better. Yes, I forgive him, and I felt better when I did, but that was just the start, God needed me to draw closer to Him.

After the night I sent that voice message, I realized that there is NOTHING that anybody can say or do to make me feel better. God desires my time, and my whole heart. He wants to fill every void, and have every single part of my life. I failed to realize that a few months ago, even a few days ago. I realized I am still hurting, more than I expected to. Many told me only time will heal, but in all actuality, regardless if twenty years pass, if I don’t allow God into this void and to heal my pain, I will never stop hurting.

I’m trying.

I feel like this has been such a back and forth process. I have been seeking out everyone and everything that I thought would make me feel better, but nothing worked. Part of that was because I made up in my mind what I wanted to do and hear. I was tired of apologizing for my repetitive conversations about this, and I was beginning to feel like no one understood, or cared. None of this was true, but it was really how I felt. Im learning that I just need to trust in God.

I share this because, I wanted to let you know that Forgiveness isn’t the whole antidote to getting through. Yes, you must forgive, but you must also draw closer to God so that He can truly heal. “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

I am learning to trust and seek God on my bad days, good days, and days I don’t want to get out of bed. As we go through this journey together, pray for me, as I pray for you all!

Be His Masterpiece.

Love Y’all,

Dee

Forgiveness

Growing up, my mother always taught me that when you forgive someone, there shouldn’t be a ‘but’ after it. For example: “I forgive that person, but I will never talk to them again.” I never understood what was wrong with the “but,” however; I recently began to understand why. What my mother was getting at was the use of “but” after saying you forgive, often times shows that there is still a form of animosity, or ill feeling towards the person. Once you forgive, you forgive. There shouldn’t be a clause that you have to outwardly say, because deep down it can mean you truly have not forgiven. Don’t get me wrong, true forgiveness can occur with you maybe having to separate yourself from someone or something or whatever the situation may be, and that can be due to mental, physical, and most importantly spiritual well-being. Always be led by the Holy Spirit.

Remember how I shared that I recently started a relationship? Two weeks ago, that all changed. He realized that he saw me as just a friend. My heart sank when I heard those words. In that moment, I tried to understand, connect the dots, and reason as to why this was happening. When I couldn’t do any of those; I cried. The next few days were full of hurt, anger, and confusion. I called my friends and family to vent, and while their words were encouraging, I knew whom I had to reach out to—God. I’m not sure if He understood what I was even saying, because my prayers involved no words, but just tears (if you’ve been in that situation, just know that tears are a language only God can understand). I called him a few days later for clarification, but deep down I knew that there wasn’t much that could’ve been changed. Things didn’t change. He wanted to be friends and I told him that was not going to be possible, nor was it something I was going to try to do because it was going to be too hard. After that conversation, a week went by and I was miserable. I knew I had every right to be upset and mad, which is understandable because I was hurting. But, what I realized is that I was miserable because I began to realize that he was right. While I didn’t understand why everything happened the way it did, deep down I knew things weren’t going how I would have wanted. When I realized this, I knew that I was truly hurt because I actually missed my friend.

Many thoughts came to my mind at that point:

“If I tell him I understand, and that I want to be friends, he won’t feel bad for hurting me.”

“If I call him and say I want to be friends again, I look desperate.”

“If I want to be friends, I’m just asking to get hurt again.”

“I wouldn’t be a genuine friend because I would think things could get better, and we would date again.”

“I would get jealous when he started dating again.”

“I am foolish.”

 

The list actually goes on, but these were some of the things I thought about. It was scary. Then, I thought about what true forgiveness looks like. It looks like someone loving you past all of your flaws, sin, and mistakes. It loves even when it hurts. The best example I can give is, Jesus Christ. “He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins.” Ephesians 1:7.

God has a way of convicting us to do the right thing. Earlier this week I was in bible study and came across a section in my study bible about how Christians should respond while suffering. It said “we need to commit ourselves to doing what is right when we face suffering. Our difficulties can always provide an excuse for sinning, but when difficulties come our way, we must live exemplary Christian lives, characterized by love for others.” This convicted me. Forgiving him was not just the right thing to do, but was an example of the love of God that lives within me. Not only that, but forgiving was going to make me feel better. All those thoughts in my head were all very valid, but were all things I told myself in order to not forgive. These were essentially lies. Forgiveness is not only for the other person, but mostly for you.

So what happened? I called him, after not speaking for about a week, and I explained that I still wanted to be friends, and explained that I understood that what happened had to happen. I felt a huge weight just come off of my shoulders. It was refreshing to see me go past my pride, my insecurities, and hurt to make that phone call. That is something I did not think I would do. I was hesitant about his response, but it was pleasant. He was glad that I came to that decision and he felt a lot better as well.

God has good things planned for us. He says it in his word. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11. Even though all that happened was very hard for me, and still is, I know that this is part of the good things He has planned. You’re probably thinking, how is that even possible? Well look at this way, sometimes our story has heartbreak, loss, success, and triumph, but every single one of those situations are all part of God’s plan for your life. Each situation is a learning experience for you to grow and be prepared for the next chapter in life. The good things God has planned for us, doesn’t always come nicely wrapped with a bow on top, but they are still gifts to be treasured. Learn from each of them, and don’t only count the good moments.

Forgiveness is hard, trust me, I know. But, when you truly are able to love someone in spite of the hurt they caused, it is absolutely beautiful. You begin to see how the incredible God who lives inside of you has transformed your heart, and is causing you to be more like Christ. If struggling to forgive someone, talk to God and read His word. Doing that has an overwhelming yet peaceful way of convicting you lol. I really hope this blog encourages you. If you have questions, comments, or thoughts, please do not hesitate to share. As always, Be His Masterpiece.

Love y’all

Dee

 

*Continue to pray for me, as I pray for you all.